How to Build your Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence begins not with control, but with awareness. It’s not about avoiding difficult emotions or fixing them as they arise, but about learning to sit with what you feel - curiously, compassionately, and without judgment.
At the heart of emotional intelligence lies a simple truth: we are not our emotions, but we experience them. And those experiences are deeply connected to how our brain interprets the world.
The Brain’s Quiet Whisper
Before a feeling even surfaces, the brain is already at work. According to psychologist Magda Arnold, emotions begin with a rapid, unconscious evaluation of our surroundings. We sense something - a tone of voice, a glance, a sudden silence - and our brain immediately assigns meaning to it. That meaning may feel like intuition, but it's often shaped by past memories, perceived threats, or deep-seated beliefs.
What we eventually call a feeling is the conscious reflection of that emotional response.
Later researchers, like Smith and Ellsworth, expanded this understanding by identifying eight ways we mentally "appraise" a moment. These subtle dimensions help explain why the same event can feel entirely different depending on how we interpret it. We ask ourselves, often without realising:
How much attention does this need?
Is this expected, or out of the blue?
Do I have control over it?
Does it feel pleasant or uncomfortable?
Is something standing in my way?
Who is responsible?
Is this fair?
What will it take to respond?
Each of these silent questions shapes the emotional tone of our experience.
the Dance Between Emotion and Thought
The amygdala, our brain’s emotional first responder, is quick to react - especially to perceived threats. It lights up before we’ve even had time to think. This is why we might suddenly feel anxious, defensive, or overwhelmed before we understand why.
But just as emotion rises, the prefrontal cortex - the more thoughtful, reasoning part of the brain - can step in. It helps us name what we’re feeling, explore its roots, and choose how to respond rather than simply react.
This is the space where emotional intelligence lives: the ability to pause, reflect, and gently ask, What is this really about?
How to Cultivate This Awareness
Notice before you judge. When an emotion arises, pause. Try to simply observe it - like a wave coming in - without immediately labeling it good or bad.
Name the emotion. Giving it a name (sadness, anger, envy, tenderness) engages your thinking brain and softens reactivity.
Trace the root. Ask yourself which of the eight appraisals may be at play. Do you feel out of control? Was something unfair? Has your attention been hijacked by a deeper concern?
Let it move. Emotions are energy in motion. They need space to be felt before they can pass.
Over time, this practice strengthens the neural pathways that link emotional awareness with clarity, resilience, and empathy. You begin to respond with presence, rather than from habit. You begin to trust your inner world as a source of wisdom, not confusion.
A Gentle Reminder
Building emotional intelligence is not about being perfectly regulated or endlessly calm. It’s about becoming familiar with your inner landscape. It’s learning to meet yourself where you are - with grace - and allowing every emotion to be part of the human experience, not something to fix.
This is the quiet strength of a well-attuned mind: not control, but connection.
